10 Thoughts

Last ten thoughts of the year!

1. I saw a quote on Instagram that said, “I thought 2020 would be the year I got everything I wanted. Now I know 2020 is the year I appreciate everything I have.”

I feel so fortunate to be entering the new year with almost everything that I hold dear to my heart. There is a deeper sense of appreciation for the smaller things of the past, like being able to go on a Korean corn dog hunt with a friend, haha. And also an endless stream of gratitude towards the good health that I had often taken for granted prior to this year.

2. I have hated any form of vulnerability for so long. For the longest time, it felt like weakness and an open invitation to have it used against me. It didn’t make any sense to put myself in a position of vulnerability. However, deflecting any form of vulnerability has made me a shell of a person. I feel like I’ve missed many opportunities, because I was always hiding who I was. I felt like no one could hear me but the truth is, I was the one pushing people away before they could even have the chance to. 

I’m still trying to figure this one out, because I want to connect with (some) people but I also don’t want to feel like just because I put something out there, it’s an open invitation for any type of solicitation. 

I decided on two tentative goals to tackle this for next year. The first one is to reach out to a few content creators that I admire and see where it goes from there, if anything even happens, haha. The second is to stop deleting/blocking/hiding my content and accounts, LOL.

3. This has been a strange year to have fallen in love. And also not surprising to have it end as well, haha.

4. It’s crazy how much your mindset changes once you’re consuming the content you actually want. I feel free, inspired, and so enamoured by the creativity I see around me. I’m tired of algorithms trying to push me one way or another. You’d think with all this spying, they’d do a better job at it. And now that I’ve said it, I probably accidentally summoned something for next year… 

And while I’m on the topic, I’m going to mention how I’m still so angry about how certain platforms force you to use certain features, or try to sneakily integrate new functionality that derails the original purpose. I may be taking it a little more personally since my day job is to design digital products with the user in mind, and this goes against the very fundamentals of it. I think you all know which app/conglomerate I’m talking about lol.

5. I miss my dog and hope he’s doing well, wherever he’s at. I miss kissing the top of his head and staying there for a few seconds so I could feel his ears twitch back and forth between my cheeks. 

6. As lonely as I have been for the past few months, I shudder to think who I would’ve ended up becoming if I wasn’t isolated and forced to re-evaluate my life. How many more embarrassing, black-out situations would’ve happened. How many more mistakes to come out of the deranged patterns that littered my life. I’m not saying I don’t have either of those in store for me anymore, but I sure as hell am going to do my best to prevent any more of it from happening.

7. I’m so thankful to have realized what truly makes me happy, things that I stopped doing long ago because others have told me to focus on other things (that make money). I might not ever make an income out of any of them but being able to enter that state of flow brings me more happiness and sanity than money ever has. 

8. I don’t think it’s normal to know as many people as we do these days. We’re too connected. There’s a social platform for just about everything and almost every one of them will pull your phone or email contacts and suggest you connect. The idea of being able to catch up with a long-lost buddy from middle school is nice but how often does that actually happen? I’ve always found it weird when exes would request to follow years later when I could clearly recall that our last couple of conversations had not been pleasant, lol. I don’t feel animosity now, but there’s no reason to have to continue anything. Some things are meant to stay in the past. But tech has made it hard to move forward when you can’t be alone with your thoughts without getting a nudge from the past. 

9. I’ve been a lot kinder to myself mentally this year. But I realized my inner voice is still too overly critical when it comes to my outer appearance. I’ll never be younger than I am at this very moment. I don’t want to look back decades later and wish I hadn’t spent so much time picking myself apart over things I can’t control or change easily and enjoyed the very feeling of being alive.

10. I know many of my points have a tinge of melancholy or anger but I feel a lot more at peace with myself than I have been prior to this year. I’m going through growing pains, and it’s definitely showing, haha. But I know very soon, I’ll be able to offer so much more.

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