10 Thoughts

  1. As much as I have been complaining about not seeing anyone for the past 9 months, I’m also secretly scared of what will happen when things return to ‘normal.’ I have developed several good habits in the past couple of months. This is also the most productive I’ve ever been in terms of personal projects and development. I’m scared I’ll lose my momentum, and my projects will take a backseat for who knows how long. I’m afraid of falling back into my same unhealthy habits, of waking up in a haze and wondering where all my time has gone. I know I’m not the same person as I was pre-quarantine, and I’d like to think that I know myself much better now. But it’s easy to say that out loud when the room is empty of any soul but your own. 
  2. I’ve been feeling incredibly drained for the last three months. It has been a strange dichotomy; one of loneliness and wanting human interaction, and another of avoiding people because most interactions leave me more lonely than I’d initially been. It’s a strange situation; you would think just talking to someone would mitigate the feelings from uninvited solitude. But it does just the opposite. I’ve found myself listening to problems that I wish I had: a blip that came up during a recent trip. A minor squabble with a significant other. Annoyance at something a friend said at a small gathering the other day. Things that have been out of the question for me since last March. I’m trying my best to empathize; I really am. However, hearing others talk about the things they take for granted leaves me feeling hollow.
  3. Back when I bleached my hair seven years ago, I bought purple shampoo to help tone it. It didn’t do shit. This time around, I tried purple leave-in conditioner, and it worked so much better. I left it in for about 30 minutes while I worked on my blog, and now I have the almost ashy sort of blonde of my dreams.
  4. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing about how to make my dreams come to fruition. The journaling sessions I’ve had were valuable and helped me build up my confidence, especially as my ‘why’s’ grew more substantial and personal. But I realized I’ve hit a point where I was doing more journaling and planning than working. I’m a little scared to start sometimes, I will admit. But as Nike famously says it best: “Just do it.” 
  5. I’m really excited to receive the books that I ordered last week. I’ve been buying from used book stores, and there’s something about a pre-loved book that makes it exceptionally charming to me. To know it’s lived another life before reaching my hands. I like wondering if the same sentence that captivated me also struck the same chord with the original owner. Used books also take away the anxiety I get with opening a brand new book and potentially creasing the pages or spine, haha. Is anyone else neurotic like this? 
  6. I have so many ideas and so many projects, and so many skills I want to get better at. But when I try to do too much at once, my progress is minute, which makes me frustrated. I’ve often given up in the past, only to return to square 1.5 a few months later. I’m trying to learn to only do one or two things at a time, but it’s hard, haha. I want to get better at writing, better at all mediums of art, better at design, better at taking photos and editing them, etc. This blog has helped me channel my many interests, but I really need to learn to slow down and focus on one thing at a time.
  7. I’m feeling dejected about spending Christmas and New Year’s alone this year. The past two years, I spent it with my partner. This year, Christmas and New Year’s land on a Friday. It would’ve been possible for me to stay for two weekends instead of one and not leave on the 1st feeling like a deflated party balloon. It’s like adding extra salt on a nine-month-old wound that the holidays landed so perfectly for visiting this year, but I can’t use it to my avail, haha. I’m trying not to dwell on what could’ve been, but as it gets closer to that time of the year, I can’t help but let a year’s worth of sadness envelop me just a bit.
  8. I’ve had many days where I want to scream, “Who hurt you?! Why are you so judgmental about people you’ve never met?” I don’t want to waste time talking about people I don’t know and don’t care about. So what if they did x, y, z? As long as it isn’t hurting anyone, let them be cringy, embarrassing, obnoxious, self-centered, etc., on the internet. They clearly don’t feel that way if they’re posting it, haha. I just don’t want to join in on these toxic games, especially now that I’m older.
  9. I’ve found several interesting people online that I secretly really want to form online friendships with. But I’m scared to reach out, haha. Even on the internet, I feel like such a nobody. A wallflower with no personality and nothing to give, just like how I am in person. I know these are pernicious thoughts that will eventually become a belief the more I say them. But that aside, I also have no idea what to say without sounding like a semi-creepy fangirl. It’s so weird, trying to navigate all this.
  10. Not everything has to last forever. The more you try to save something, the more bitter the ending will be. This year has had a lot of people, places, and memories come to an end. It was an endless heartache that came with a dull lull that will keep you up no matter how tired you are. However, new beginnings do come from endings. And so I look towards that for hope. 

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